Keeping Up

It's really hard to not worry that your baby isn't progressing as well as the babies of others around you.

To anybody who's ever been a parent, that's a pretty obvious statement. Even as a pet-parent I've found myself frustrated when Lupe (because Abel is perfect... and also, I've been around so many cats I guess I don't have any expectations for them) doesn't match up to what I was hoping for or see in other dogs (like how she's pretty terrible at playing with other dogs... to the point where I'm afraid to take her to dog parks and even nervous introducing her to friends dogs because she sounds mean when she plays and I don't want them to think she's going to hurt their dog, even though I know she's not). But it's so much worse as a first-time parent, seeing your friends and relative's babies and wondering why yours isn't doing what they're doing.

Wiley started smiling about on cue, but he doesn't seem to smile as much as some of the other babies I see. 

Of course, I try to remind myself that I'm judging the happiness of these babies off of pics on Facebook, and these babies have their normal moments, too... but I struggle to even get pics of Wiley smiling because it's not the most frequent and it doesn't happen every time I try to get him to smile, even half the time. He smiles when he wants and when he does it melts my heart, but sometimes I just coo at him for forever and have to give up, frustrated.

I also have to tell myself to stop when I start worrying that maybe I'm doing something wrong as his mother, not giving him enough attention, interacting enough, doing enough. What else could I do? I'm a good mother (great according to his grandparents on both sides) but I want to be the best for him and I want to know I'm doing everything I can.

Even more so, I know Wiley is his own person and going to develop at his own pace. I totally get that. But it's still hard to not kinda wish your child would seem interested in things more--like toys. We've offered him these 0+ toys for months now but he won't even really grip it if I put it in his hand still, at seven weeks. I've taken to watching Netflix almost because it's easy for me to do while holding him because after our daily tummy time (where I lay on the floor with him, talk to him and try to offer him the previously mentioned toys 'til he cries in about five minutes) it doesn't seem like I do much with him other than feed him (what seems like) constantly. Sometimes we make eye contact, a lot of times we don't... sometimes I feel bad I don't give him more of my attention with feeding, but if I spent every attempt at feeding staring in his eyes (or at least at him since a good bit of the time he's not interested in the eye contact) I might go crazy. As I previously mentioned, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of feeding time. He's still being breast fed but it's by the grace of God and my determination to take it one day at a time for as long as I can before giving up... and the majority of the time I use a hand pump now instead of having him latch. Sometimes I still have him latch and he does great, then other times (today was one) he pulls off every two minutes, gets upset and starts crying like I did something mean to him by offering him sustenance. And then with the frequent feedings, it's hard not to feel like you're going to go insane. Even right now he's in my lap while I (somehow) am managing to type this and he keeps fussing. I guess he wants food, the pacifier quiets him for a bit, though. I remember when I thought I'd feed him whenever he seemed to want it and never use a pacifier but now it is obvious sometimes he doesn't want my breast, he just wants something to suck on. Sometimes he does want the breast, or the bottle (he's not picky) but (like right now) I feel it's too soon to feed him again (I mean, it's literally been an hour or less. That is not cool when he's eating plenty).

I also try to keep in mind that most of the babies I'm comparing Wiley to are either a few months older than him, they're also almost exclusively girls.  

Wiley has two second-cousins who are both about a month older than him and Patrick and I will see their photos or videos and I'll wonder how Wiley is ever going to get anywhere close to catching up to that within a month. I have friends with babies anywhere from a few days to months older than Wiley. Every single one of them are girls and I wonder if that's why Wiley seems to still be focusing more on himself and people, not objects or even animals. 

I know boys and girls develop at different paces, just like all babies in general do... but I'm definitely not a newborn kind of person. I'm sure I'll miss it a bit when he's older, but I look forward to being able to play with him and really interact with him beyond fighting to get him to breast feed, popping a bottle or pacifier in his mouth and changing his diaper.

I wish I could post a more thought-out post, I really want this to be quality writing, but it's hard when the husband is away all day and I struggle to even get time to bathe... it'll get better (right?).

Oh, did I mention my mom got a new kitten? About 8 weeks old (well, 9 now, so two weeks older than Wiley). His name is McPhee and he's adorable. 

I'm pretty excited they'll get to grow up together. Wiley is obviously not so impressed yet (and neither is McPhee for that matter, but in all fairness it was his first day with my mom and I know he must have been overwhelmed by all the new people and the new cats and a baby to top it off).

In other good news, we had our third and final baby shower two days ago and finally got an age-appropriate stroller for Wiles! We're so excited! It came right before we left to go to Railroad Park yesterday (Patrick was going to wear Wiley in a sling because my back was dying from cleaning all day) and we got to put it together and take it out for a spin. It was great!

I must point out, I'm also in love with that jacket I bought for him the other day. Me and Patrick love colors!

Daddy putting Wiles in the stroller after a feeding.

And of course me with two of my babies (poor Abel never gets to go anywhere... but he also acts like the car is a death machine, so I guess he's mostly glad for it).

Ahh well, I've made him wait long enough to eat. 

Distractions

I have been a lazy bum for the past several days. I did some good cleaning a few days ago during a short spurt when Wiley actually napped long enough for me to eat, pump and still manage to pick stuff up, organize a bit and vacuum. We then went to Patrick's dad's house for dinner with his dad and his younger (half)brother. We didn't get home 'til relatively late, way past our now regular bedtime. The next day, which was intended to be spent cleaning, was spent napping and then when Patrick went to work it was spent watching Ghost Hunters, which is what I've been doing lately. Today was really not much more productive. Everybody got a bath, including the dog and baby, but not much was cleaned and I napped and spent the majority of my time watching Ghost Hunters and caring for Wiley (and this morning poor Patrick did most of the work, I honestly don't know what I did the majority of the morning besides watch that show.

I re-started our Netflix account and unfortunately I'm one of those people who is so easily distracted by the TV and computer that I don't get much done (while pregnant at least I had the excuse of being pregnant and getting worn out easily, but I also played way too much Candy Crush Saga, scrolled Tumblr and poked about on Facebook for hours on end. By the end I was bored out of my mind but really couldn't do very much (and I still tried to clean, I really did, but I had to take much more frequent breaks). Since giving birth I have kept myself off Candy Crush and have done really well not getting caught up in distractions... that is, 'til we petsat for Patrick's mom. She has Roku and so I got to watch Netflix and I'd heard so much about Orange is the New Black that I started watching it. Since I was getting so bored at home nursing the baby with nothing to do since I can't easily scroll Facebook (and I run out of updates) I re-started our account (I had closed it after I had binged out the last time and had run out of things that I really wanted to watch at the time). Since then I've watched all of Orange is the New Black, Sherlock and now I'm working on Ghost Hunters. I think I'm easily distracted and I'm one of those people when my focus gets on something I can get hyper-focused.

So hopefully I'll run out of shows to watch soon, cancel it again and go back to being productive.

I've made a conscious effort to make eye contact with Wiley while feeding him and to spend lots of time interacting with him, but it is nice having a distraction when he falls asleep in my arms or while I'm pumping.

My other problem is I'm so bored I'm snacking constantly. On top of that, I feel like I have a craving for something unknown and I keep munching things trying to satisfy the craving but it's never it so I just keep eating. I've got to start eating less junk food. I'm hoping to start that tomorrow and definitely within the next week (once we go grocery shopping, though I think I've eaten the majority of junk foods, I just need to find something that will satisfy that chocolate craving I get without me eating the entire thing at once.

Thoughts

Awkward family photo! Minus Abel.

Well, I was going to get up and clean now that I finally got Wiley down for a nap but then I realized that I haven't had time to update this blog in awhile. Of course right now I feel like I have nothing good to say.

Him in mommy's shirt from when she was a baby. War Eagle!

We managed to make it to church this morning, we were late to Bible study by about 20 minutes but, gosh darnit, we made it. We decided not to go to church because I had woken up late, had wet hair, hadn't eaten breakfast and needed to feed Wiley again. I'd tried to pump this morning but since I woke up late I only pumped enough in the hopes I wouldn't leak it all out in the shower (tmi warning), but instead I made the mistake of removing my sports bra that I now wear non-stop (unless I'm in one of my normal bras, but at home I'm constantly in some sort of bra) before starting and I just kept dripping on myself (I'm sure I mentioned that's one of the reasons I hate breastfeeding in my previous post, right?). Apparently today is no-bra day according to some photo being shared around on Facebook, and normally I'd be all for it... but now if I don't wear a bra I'm quickly mortified by the wet spots that appear on my clothes.

We took Wiley for a walk a few days ago and later I was informed by a friend who saw photos on Facebook that the umbrella stroller we were using for him is not meant for babies as young as him (I kinda guessed, but assumed so long as he's safely clipped in and we're just calmly strolling that it would be fine, she said it's bad for his back though). So now we're hesitant to take him on walks because my back isn't strong enough for carrying him yet. We're hoping we'll get a more age-appropriate stroller to wheel him in soon.

City stroll.

I really want a heavier-duty stroller we can take on trails so I can do easy hikes like I used to take Lupe on. I'm anxious for it to really get cooler and for me to be able to start getting out there and being active again (and hopefully get back some of my muscle strength and stamina, whether or not I lose weight). I hate that they closed our swimming pool, but we wouldn't be able to take Wiles swimming this soon, anyways. At least not in our complex's pool (I might take him swimming in a privately owned pool where I knew the owners). I just want to be active again! I wish we had money for me to join the YMCA or Lifetime Fitness (since Patrick works there in the childcare center so Wiles could stay with him while I work out) but we don't have money for either... but I would love, love, love to start being able to use weight machines again. Maybe once I start working again.

Visiting great-grandma!

I feel like I need to go on back to work, but Patrick is trying to work extra hard so I can wait (which is one reason I feel like I need to go back to work, he needs a break). I've been with Wiley for 6 weeks but I was hoping for at least 6 months of being a stay-at-home mom before I had to go back. Now I'm hoping for at least 3 months. The week after he was born I was ready to be back at work, truthfully, but when I really think about going back I panic because I want him with me. I don't want to leave him with anybody, even my own family. I want to know I'm the one influencing him and teaching him the most and there are some ideas that even my family has that I disagree with.

Nap time <3

Weight is frequently mentioned in my family (in every family), and I want Wiley to never grow up the way I did. Thinking his weight (or rather, lack-of weight) was what made him worthy as a person and love-able. Since he's a boy I comfort myself with that it won't be as bad as it is for girls, but I know that it's getting harder for boys... more boys are getting eating disorders and I don't want him thinking he can't like the girl he likes simply because she's fat or saying hurtful things to a poor little girl because that negative attitude is so pervasive in our society that it's second-nature. I want him to look at a person's character and personality. I don't want him to be like his dad who liked bigger girls but couldn't admit it to himself and still thought the girls he did date could stand to lose some weight simply because he was also taught those negative thoughts. My worth is not determined by my weight, nobody's is. We're taught that women need to take up as little space as possible to be desirable. No thanks. It's not just the issue of weight and body-acceptance, although that's a huge thing to me. It's a lot of negative attitudes I don't think they even realize they have (and I'm not perfect, I know). I don't want him growing up thinking he has to be different just to be different, that different is inherently bad and I don't want him to learn to lump other people into boxes instead of accepting we're all different and that's OK (great even). I would love to give examples, but I don't want to upset anybody should they find this. It's hard to accept that I'm going to have to let other people interact with him and possibly put ideas in his head that I vehemently disagree with.

Anyway, it sounds like he's waking up, time to go. He's finally in 6 month clothes, he's too big!

Snugglesaurus!

Going Crazy

All I can do right now is fight the urge to get in the car and drive off to Huntsville, Nashville or Chattanooga. 

Just everything makes me want to get away. Family, going stir-crazy and even being stuck with the baby all day every day... except I wouldn't want anybody else with the baby instead because I don't trust anybody (ok, maybe Patrick).

I just need a break.

I'd love to type more, but my mom is on the phone with me and won't stop informing me of her cat's locations and whatnot.

I've been terrible about updating, I've been distracted with a cold and a baby who refused to sleep without me next to him for awhile and still doesn't want to sleep more than thirty minutes.

I'm not going to post much tonight, I will say that at Wiley's last Dr's visit he weighed in at 11.14lbs and was 22 1/2 inches tall. Big boy! I don't remember the exact numbers but I think he's 95 percentile for weight and 75 for height (which I don't get, he's not fat, what?).

Sick Mamma

I have a cold. Normally I'm pretty good about colds, I don't let them slow me down and work through them like a champ. This one shouldn't even be so bad, but it would help if I'd stop trying to do too much other than take care of Wiley, since that's the only real obligation I can't postpone.

I think Wiley may be slightly sick, too, though if he is he's taking it like a trooper. He sneezes some, which he always has, but he also has had a mildly stuffy nose and the most distressing one to me is a cough that sounds like mine when I'm sick and my throat hurts. He doesn't cough all that much so we're not too worried.

Mommy snuggling with Wiles while he naps (I didn't realize I was so tan, haha)

I've been trying to get the title to my car transferred into my name (it was my grandmother's car) and a new tag because my old one expired in August... But every time we try we run out of time because it takes entirely too long to renew tags now that they've shut down some of the satellite DMVs (of course, the safer, more convenient ones)... Yay government.

Tomorrow we have Wiley's one month visit, I can't wait to see what the doctor says... except that he's possibly got a cold. I'm trying to get my breast milk in him so that he can get his sweet self well! In the meantime, we're napping together (yes, in the same bed) quite a bit. He was so fussy yesterday, I laid down in bed with him and nursed him 'til he fell asleep and I could fall asleep. We're both sick, we both need the sleep and so far I have yet to move in my sleep. I'm acutely aware he's beside me. The only reason I sleep better knowing he's right under me is because he sleeps better and longer, especially yesterday since he was fussy. Amazingly, I thought we were going to have to let him sleep with us last night but because he'd gotten such good sleep in with me that he wasn't fussy we managed to get him to sleep in his cradle all night so mommy and daddy could have the bed to themselves.

I was planning on posting more, but to get him to sleep again I had to side-lying nurse him and so now I'm in an awkward position beside him trying to type... When he's older I'll get better at this posting thing, I swear.

Sick buddies... except Lupe isn't sick, just taking advantage of the situation.