Thoughts

Awkward family photo! Minus Abel.

Well, I was going to get up and clean now that I finally got Wiley down for a nap but then I realized that I haven't had time to update this blog in awhile. Of course right now I feel like I have nothing good to say.

Him in mommy's shirt from when she was a baby. War Eagle!

We managed to make it to church this morning, we were late to Bible study by about 20 minutes but, gosh darnit, we made it. We decided not to go to church because I had woken up late, had wet hair, hadn't eaten breakfast and needed to feed Wiley again. I'd tried to pump this morning but since I woke up late I only pumped enough in the hopes I wouldn't leak it all out in the shower (tmi warning), but instead I made the mistake of removing my sports bra that I now wear non-stop (unless I'm in one of my normal bras, but at home I'm constantly in some sort of bra) before starting and I just kept dripping on myself (I'm sure I mentioned that's one of the reasons I hate breastfeeding in my previous post, right?). Apparently today is no-bra day according to some photo being shared around on Facebook, and normally I'd be all for it... but now if I don't wear a bra I'm quickly mortified by the wet spots that appear on my clothes.

We took Wiley for a walk a few days ago and later I was informed by a friend who saw photos on Facebook that the umbrella stroller we were using for him is not meant for babies as young as him (I kinda guessed, but assumed so long as he's safely clipped in and we're just calmly strolling that it would be fine, she said it's bad for his back though). So now we're hesitant to take him on walks because my back isn't strong enough for carrying him yet. We're hoping we'll get a more age-appropriate stroller to wheel him in soon.

City stroll.

I really want a heavier-duty stroller we can take on trails so I can do easy hikes like I used to take Lupe on. I'm anxious for it to really get cooler and for me to be able to start getting out there and being active again (and hopefully get back some of my muscle strength and stamina, whether or not I lose weight). I hate that they closed our swimming pool, but we wouldn't be able to take Wiles swimming this soon, anyways. At least not in our complex's pool (I might take him swimming in a privately owned pool where I knew the owners). I just want to be active again! I wish we had money for me to join the YMCA or Lifetime Fitness (since Patrick works there in the childcare center so Wiles could stay with him while I work out) but we don't have money for either... but I would love, love, love to start being able to use weight machines again. Maybe once I start working again.

Visiting great-grandma!

I feel like I need to go on back to work, but Patrick is trying to work extra hard so I can wait (which is one reason I feel like I need to go back to work, he needs a break). I've been with Wiley for 6 weeks but I was hoping for at least 6 months of being a stay-at-home mom before I had to go back. Now I'm hoping for at least 3 months. The week after he was born I was ready to be back at work, truthfully, but when I really think about going back I panic because I want him with me. I don't want to leave him with anybody, even my own family. I want to know I'm the one influencing him and teaching him the most and there are some ideas that even my family has that I disagree with.

Nap time <3

Weight is frequently mentioned in my family (in every family), and I want Wiley to never grow up the way I did. Thinking his weight (or rather, lack-of weight) was what made him worthy as a person and love-able. Since he's a boy I comfort myself with that it won't be as bad as it is for girls, but I know that it's getting harder for boys... more boys are getting eating disorders and I don't want him thinking he can't like the girl he likes simply because she's fat or saying hurtful things to a poor little girl because that negative attitude is so pervasive in our society that it's second-nature. I want him to look at a person's character and personality. I don't want him to be like his dad who liked bigger girls but couldn't admit it to himself and still thought the girls he did date could stand to lose some weight simply because he was also taught those negative thoughts. My worth is not determined by my weight, nobody's is. We're taught that women need to take up as little space as possible to be desirable. No thanks. It's not just the issue of weight and body-acceptance, although that's a huge thing to me. It's a lot of negative attitudes I don't think they even realize they have (and I'm not perfect, I know). I don't want him growing up thinking he has to be different just to be different, that different is inherently bad and I don't want him to learn to lump other people into boxes instead of accepting we're all different and that's OK (great even). I would love to give examples, but I don't want to upset anybody should they find this. It's hard to accept that I'm going to have to let other people interact with him and possibly put ideas in his head that I vehemently disagree with.

Anyway, it sounds like he's waking up, time to go. He's finally in 6 month clothes, he's too big!

Snugglesaurus!