Keeping Up

It's really hard to not worry that your baby isn't progressing as well as the babies of others around you.

To anybody who's ever been a parent, that's a pretty obvious statement. Even as a pet-parent I've found myself frustrated when Lupe (because Abel is perfect... and also, I've been around so many cats I guess I don't have any expectations for them) doesn't match up to what I was hoping for or see in other dogs (like how she's pretty terrible at playing with other dogs... to the point where I'm afraid to take her to dog parks and even nervous introducing her to friends dogs because she sounds mean when she plays and I don't want them to think she's going to hurt their dog, even though I know she's not). But it's so much worse as a first-time parent, seeing your friends and relative's babies and wondering why yours isn't doing what they're doing.

Wiley started smiling about on cue, but he doesn't seem to smile as much as some of the other babies I see. 

Of course, I try to remind myself that I'm judging the happiness of these babies off of pics on Facebook, and these babies have their normal moments, too... but I struggle to even get pics of Wiley smiling because it's not the most frequent and it doesn't happen every time I try to get him to smile, even half the time. He smiles when he wants and when he does it melts my heart, but sometimes I just coo at him for forever and have to give up, frustrated.

I also have to tell myself to stop when I start worrying that maybe I'm doing something wrong as his mother, not giving him enough attention, interacting enough, doing enough. What else could I do? I'm a good mother (great according to his grandparents on both sides) but I want to be the best for him and I want to know I'm doing everything I can.

Even more so, I know Wiley is his own person and going to develop at his own pace. I totally get that. But it's still hard to not kinda wish your child would seem interested in things more--like toys. We've offered him these 0+ toys for months now but he won't even really grip it if I put it in his hand still, at seven weeks. I've taken to watching Netflix almost because it's easy for me to do while holding him because after our daily tummy time (where I lay on the floor with him, talk to him and try to offer him the previously mentioned toys 'til he cries in about five minutes) it doesn't seem like I do much with him other than feed him (what seems like) constantly. Sometimes we make eye contact, a lot of times we don't... sometimes I feel bad I don't give him more of my attention with feeding, but if I spent every attempt at feeding staring in his eyes (or at least at him since a good bit of the time he's not interested in the eye contact) I might go crazy. As I previously mentioned, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of feeding time. He's still being breast fed but it's by the grace of God and my determination to take it one day at a time for as long as I can before giving up... and the majority of the time I use a hand pump now instead of having him latch. Sometimes I still have him latch and he does great, then other times (today was one) he pulls off every two minutes, gets upset and starts crying like I did something mean to him by offering him sustenance. And then with the frequent feedings, it's hard not to feel like you're going to go insane. Even right now he's in my lap while I (somehow) am managing to type this and he keeps fussing. I guess he wants food, the pacifier quiets him for a bit, though. I remember when I thought I'd feed him whenever he seemed to want it and never use a pacifier but now it is obvious sometimes he doesn't want my breast, he just wants something to suck on. Sometimes he does want the breast, or the bottle (he's not picky) but (like right now) I feel it's too soon to feed him again (I mean, it's literally been an hour or less. That is not cool when he's eating plenty).

I also try to keep in mind that most of the babies I'm comparing Wiley to are either a few months older than him, they're also almost exclusively girls.  

Wiley has two second-cousins who are both about a month older than him and Patrick and I will see their photos or videos and I'll wonder how Wiley is ever going to get anywhere close to catching up to that within a month. I have friends with babies anywhere from a few days to months older than Wiley. Every single one of them are girls and I wonder if that's why Wiley seems to still be focusing more on himself and people, not objects or even animals. 

I know boys and girls develop at different paces, just like all babies in general do... but I'm definitely not a newborn kind of person. I'm sure I'll miss it a bit when he's older, but I look forward to being able to play with him and really interact with him beyond fighting to get him to breast feed, popping a bottle or pacifier in his mouth and changing his diaper.

I wish I could post a more thought-out post, I really want this to be quality writing, but it's hard when the husband is away all day and I struggle to even get time to bathe... it'll get better (right?).

Oh, did I mention my mom got a new kitten? About 8 weeks old (well, 9 now, so two weeks older than Wiley). His name is McPhee and he's adorable. 

I'm pretty excited they'll get to grow up together. Wiley is obviously not so impressed yet (and neither is McPhee for that matter, but in all fairness it was his first day with my mom and I know he must have been overwhelmed by all the new people and the new cats and a baby to top it off).

In other good news, we had our third and final baby shower two days ago and finally got an age-appropriate stroller for Wiles! We're so excited! It came right before we left to go to Railroad Park yesterday (Patrick was going to wear Wiley in a sling because my back was dying from cleaning all day) and we got to put it together and take it out for a spin. It was great!

I must point out, I'm also in love with that jacket I bought for him the other day. Me and Patrick love colors!

Daddy putting Wiles in the stroller after a feeding.

And of course me with two of my babies (poor Abel never gets to go anywhere... but he also acts like the car is a death machine, so I guess he's mostly glad for it).

Ahh well, I've made him wait long enough to eat. 

Distractions

I have been a lazy bum for the past several days. I did some good cleaning a few days ago during a short spurt when Wiley actually napped long enough for me to eat, pump and still manage to pick stuff up, organize a bit and vacuum. We then went to Patrick's dad's house for dinner with his dad and his younger (half)brother. We didn't get home 'til relatively late, way past our now regular bedtime. The next day, which was intended to be spent cleaning, was spent napping and then when Patrick went to work it was spent watching Ghost Hunters, which is what I've been doing lately. Today was really not much more productive. Everybody got a bath, including the dog and baby, but not much was cleaned and I napped and spent the majority of my time watching Ghost Hunters and caring for Wiley (and this morning poor Patrick did most of the work, I honestly don't know what I did the majority of the morning besides watch that show.

I re-started our Netflix account and unfortunately I'm one of those people who is so easily distracted by the TV and computer that I don't get much done (while pregnant at least I had the excuse of being pregnant and getting worn out easily, but I also played way too much Candy Crush Saga, scrolled Tumblr and poked about on Facebook for hours on end. By the end I was bored out of my mind but really couldn't do very much (and I still tried to clean, I really did, but I had to take much more frequent breaks). Since giving birth I have kept myself off Candy Crush and have done really well not getting caught up in distractions... that is, 'til we petsat for Patrick's mom. She has Roku and so I got to watch Netflix and I'd heard so much about Orange is the New Black that I started watching it. Since I was getting so bored at home nursing the baby with nothing to do since I can't easily scroll Facebook (and I run out of updates) I re-started our account (I had closed it after I had binged out the last time and had run out of things that I really wanted to watch at the time). Since then I've watched all of Orange is the New Black, Sherlock and now I'm working on Ghost Hunters. I think I'm easily distracted and I'm one of those people when my focus gets on something I can get hyper-focused.

So hopefully I'll run out of shows to watch soon, cancel it again and go back to being productive.

I've made a conscious effort to make eye contact with Wiley while feeding him and to spend lots of time interacting with him, but it is nice having a distraction when he falls asleep in my arms or while I'm pumping.

My other problem is I'm so bored I'm snacking constantly. On top of that, I feel like I have a craving for something unknown and I keep munching things trying to satisfy the craving but it's never it so I just keep eating. I've got to start eating less junk food. I'm hoping to start that tomorrow and definitely within the next week (once we go grocery shopping, though I think I've eaten the majority of junk foods, I just need to find something that will satisfy that chocolate craving I get without me eating the entire thing at once.

Thoughts

Awkward family photo! Minus Abel.

Well, I was going to get up and clean now that I finally got Wiley down for a nap but then I realized that I haven't had time to update this blog in awhile. Of course right now I feel like I have nothing good to say.

Him in mommy's shirt from when she was a baby. War Eagle!

We managed to make it to church this morning, we were late to Bible study by about 20 minutes but, gosh darnit, we made it. We decided not to go to church because I had woken up late, had wet hair, hadn't eaten breakfast and needed to feed Wiley again. I'd tried to pump this morning but since I woke up late I only pumped enough in the hopes I wouldn't leak it all out in the shower (tmi warning), but instead I made the mistake of removing my sports bra that I now wear non-stop (unless I'm in one of my normal bras, but at home I'm constantly in some sort of bra) before starting and I just kept dripping on myself (I'm sure I mentioned that's one of the reasons I hate breastfeeding in my previous post, right?). Apparently today is no-bra day according to some photo being shared around on Facebook, and normally I'd be all for it... but now if I don't wear a bra I'm quickly mortified by the wet spots that appear on my clothes.

We took Wiley for a walk a few days ago and later I was informed by a friend who saw photos on Facebook that the umbrella stroller we were using for him is not meant for babies as young as him (I kinda guessed, but assumed so long as he's safely clipped in and we're just calmly strolling that it would be fine, she said it's bad for his back though). So now we're hesitant to take him on walks because my back isn't strong enough for carrying him yet. We're hoping we'll get a more age-appropriate stroller to wheel him in soon.

City stroll.

I really want a heavier-duty stroller we can take on trails so I can do easy hikes like I used to take Lupe on. I'm anxious for it to really get cooler and for me to be able to start getting out there and being active again (and hopefully get back some of my muscle strength and stamina, whether or not I lose weight). I hate that they closed our swimming pool, but we wouldn't be able to take Wiles swimming this soon, anyways. At least not in our complex's pool (I might take him swimming in a privately owned pool where I knew the owners). I just want to be active again! I wish we had money for me to join the YMCA or Lifetime Fitness (since Patrick works there in the childcare center so Wiles could stay with him while I work out) but we don't have money for either... but I would love, love, love to start being able to use weight machines again. Maybe once I start working again.

Visiting great-grandma!

I feel like I need to go on back to work, but Patrick is trying to work extra hard so I can wait (which is one reason I feel like I need to go back to work, he needs a break). I've been with Wiley for 6 weeks but I was hoping for at least 6 months of being a stay-at-home mom before I had to go back. Now I'm hoping for at least 3 months. The week after he was born I was ready to be back at work, truthfully, but when I really think about going back I panic because I want him with me. I don't want to leave him with anybody, even my own family. I want to know I'm the one influencing him and teaching him the most and there are some ideas that even my family has that I disagree with.

Nap time <3

Weight is frequently mentioned in my family (in every family), and I want Wiley to never grow up the way I did. Thinking his weight (or rather, lack-of weight) was what made him worthy as a person and love-able. Since he's a boy I comfort myself with that it won't be as bad as it is for girls, but I know that it's getting harder for boys... more boys are getting eating disorders and I don't want him thinking he can't like the girl he likes simply because she's fat or saying hurtful things to a poor little girl because that negative attitude is so pervasive in our society that it's second-nature. I want him to look at a person's character and personality. I don't want him to be like his dad who liked bigger girls but couldn't admit it to himself and still thought the girls he did date could stand to lose some weight simply because he was also taught those negative thoughts. My worth is not determined by my weight, nobody's is. We're taught that women need to take up as little space as possible to be desirable. No thanks. It's not just the issue of weight and body-acceptance, although that's a huge thing to me. It's a lot of negative attitudes I don't think they even realize they have (and I'm not perfect, I know). I don't want him growing up thinking he has to be different just to be different, that different is inherently bad and I don't want him to learn to lump other people into boxes instead of accepting we're all different and that's OK (great even). I would love to give examples, but I don't want to upset anybody should they find this. It's hard to accept that I'm going to have to let other people interact with him and possibly put ideas in his head that I vehemently disagree with.

Anyway, it sounds like he's waking up, time to go. He's finally in 6 month clothes, he's too big!

Snugglesaurus!

Going Crazy

All I can do right now is fight the urge to get in the car and drive off to Huntsville, Nashville or Chattanooga. 

Just everything makes me want to get away. Family, going stir-crazy and even being stuck with the baby all day every day... except I wouldn't want anybody else with the baby instead because I don't trust anybody (ok, maybe Patrick).

I just need a break.

I'd love to type more, but my mom is on the phone with me and won't stop informing me of her cat's locations and whatnot.

I've been terrible about updating, I've been distracted with a cold and a baby who refused to sleep without me next to him for awhile and still doesn't want to sleep more than thirty minutes.

I'm not going to post much tonight, I will say that at Wiley's last Dr's visit he weighed in at 11.14lbs and was 22 1/2 inches tall. Big boy! I don't remember the exact numbers but I think he's 95 percentile for weight and 75 for height (which I don't get, he's not fat, what?).

Sick Mamma

I have a cold. Normally I'm pretty good about colds, I don't let them slow me down and work through them like a champ. This one shouldn't even be so bad, but it would help if I'd stop trying to do too much other than take care of Wiley, since that's the only real obligation I can't postpone.

I think Wiley may be slightly sick, too, though if he is he's taking it like a trooper. He sneezes some, which he always has, but he also has had a mildly stuffy nose and the most distressing one to me is a cough that sounds like mine when I'm sick and my throat hurts. He doesn't cough all that much so we're not too worried.

Mommy snuggling with Wiles while he naps (I didn't realize I was so tan, haha)

I've been trying to get the title to my car transferred into my name (it was my grandmother's car) and a new tag because my old one expired in August... But every time we try we run out of time because it takes entirely too long to renew tags now that they've shut down some of the satellite DMVs (of course, the safer, more convenient ones)... Yay government.

Tomorrow we have Wiley's one month visit, I can't wait to see what the doctor says... except that he's possibly got a cold. I'm trying to get my breast milk in him so that he can get his sweet self well! In the meantime, we're napping together (yes, in the same bed) quite a bit. He was so fussy yesterday, I laid down in bed with him and nursed him 'til he fell asleep and I could fall asleep. We're both sick, we both need the sleep and so far I have yet to move in my sleep. I'm acutely aware he's beside me. The only reason I sleep better knowing he's right under me is because he sleeps better and longer, especially yesterday since he was fussy. Amazingly, I thought we were going to have to let him sleep with us last night but because he'd gotten such good sleep in with me that he wasn't fussy we managed to get him to sleep in his cradle all night so mommy and daddy could have the bed to themselves.

I was planning on posting more, but to get him to sleep again I had to side-lying nurse him and so now I'm in an awkward position beside him trying to type... When he's older I'll get better at this posting thing, I swear.

Sick buddies... except Lupe isn't sick, just taking advantage of the situation.

I Hate Breastfeeding

Seriously, I do.

Before Wiley was born I was determined to exclusively breastfeed. I had all these images in my head of sweet mother-son time, a great way for us to bond, not to mention all the health benefits. I knew that it can be rough starting out but I told myself just to try to make it through the first two weeks and that's generally when people say it gets better.

By the end of two weeks I still hated breastfeeding, every week I continue to do it I'm still amazed I haven't given up.

In some ways it is easier, I think at first I was closer to having an emotional breakdown over it than I am now, but in some ways I'm worse.

My third night in the hospital I wasn't being given my pain medicine and I was in a lot of pain, we were up at about 2 AM doing one of his feedings and I remember how frustrated I was. From birth he's been strong and he's pretty much always fought me when it comes to feeding him (it's like he wants to do it all himself but he also thinks my nipple is a moving target when it's being held still). That morning I was in horrible pain from my surgery and he was screaming and crying and I just sat there, struggling to get him latched, and cried over him while Patrick tried to help me.

Before two weeks was up I kept telling myself to just keep at it. I went to a lactation support group (I need to go back) and they did help, for a bit. I guess it's still helped what they taught me, but we still have problems often.

Since day four, the day we left the hospital, we've been supplementing with formula on our pediatrician's recommendation (if you're reading this and thinking "Oh, well that's why it's so hard for you now!" Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I've actually learned to use formula to make it easier to breastfeed him, such as when he's so hungry he's frantic and won't latch, some formula to ease his hunger helps big time. Until he was established breastfeeding I would only give him formula after breastfeeding (now I do it if we're somewhere where I can't nurse and have no breast milk) so he didn't learn to be lazy--I'm actually amazed how he has no issues switching between breast and any kind of bottle I've given him as well as pacifiers. This boy will latch on to anything, he's not picky).

Wiley was born 10 lbs 6 oz, a big baby. When he left the hospital he was down to 9 lbs 6 oz. The pediatrician reassured me that she'd also had large babies and that sometimes you just have to play catch-up and that it can be hard to make enough milk to satisfy a large baby's needs. It didn't mean I had to supplement forever, but that I should at least supplement until my milk came in.

Well, silly me, I thought my milk came in enough just when I could tell it was actually coming in (wrong). I started cutting back on the formula before he was even two weeks old and at his first doctor's visit in the clinic we discovered he was down to 9 lbs 3 oz. We talked to our doctor about how much we were feeding him and it was determined that we should just try to supplement with 2 oz of formula every feeding, which we've been doing ever since. We had that appointment on a Friday and then the next Thursday I went to the lactation support group, we weighed him and he was up 9 lbs and about 12-13oz (his weight fluctuated since I also fed him while there to see how much he was getting from nursing). I took him in again the next Thursday only to weigh him and the mom that helped me figure out how to work the scale was surprised when he came up 10 lbs and saying how he'd gained almost a pound in a week. I smiled and told her we were supplementing and specifically trying to get his weight back up to his birth weight.

I didn't get to go last week so I have no idea what Wiley currently weighs, but I plan to go to the lactation support group again this week and we also have his one month check-up so we'll see where he's at soon.

Still, I hate breastfeeding. I cry at Patrick about it during our late night feeds when he's fighting against me (I believe he's harder at night because generally we go a little longer than every two hours between feedings). I tell him repeatedly how I don't want to breastfeed anymore, but still we're breastfeeding over four weeks later.

I've told my mom and she suggests it's because we're modest and don't like being naked, but I don't know where she got that idea from because I am not very modest at all and have no issue with people seeing my breasts. I don't breastfeed in public yet, but that's because I'm struggling to do it as it is, I couldn't drape something over myself and still get him latched. It also doesn't help that I am fat (I don't say fat in a negative way, it's what I am and the best descriptor of what I am. Better than "pleasantly plump" or "full figured" or anything) and I am acutely aware that if I were to try to breastfeed in public, as little as I care about people seeing me do it, I feel I'm more likely to attract negative attention than a skinnier woman (and let's be honest, any woman breastfeeding in public is likely to get negative comments from closed-minded idiots, regardless of how she looks) and I already feel so negatively about the process that I don't want to completely ruin it for me forever.

No, it's because I have carpal tunnel, I hurt my right wrist further during pregnancy by falling on it twice and then thanks to breastfeeding my left wrist is currently as bad as my right. I have sharp, shooting pains in my wrists and hands just from moving pillows on my bed now. I have to fight with a 10 lb baby who was born being able to lift his head (not for long, but he could lift it) and who's nickname from one of his grandmothers is "Samson". It's because I struggle to get him to latch correctly and even when I think I do a few minutes later he's somehow managed to shift so that only my nipple is in his mouth-- and when the baby nurses off your nipple only it hurts. It's because I get angry and frustrated and feel like a terrible mom for being mad at my baby boy, sometimes I have to stop trying to feed him 'til I can calm down, it's so bad (it has gotten better now that my hormones are calmer). It's because it hurts to have my baby scream or cry when I'm trying to get him to latch. It feels pretty crappy to have a baby start sobbing because you shoved your breast in his mouth. I hate how sweaty we get and I hate when I wind up with my breast milk all over myself and feel dirty all day. I hate when I leak into my bras and I hate being tied down while my baby continually falls asleep mid-feeding and refuses to wake up until I've given up and just laid him in his napper, then he starts screaming. I hate feeding him every two hours and him taking so long to feed that I honestly don't even have an hour to myself to do chores, bathe or nap.

I've become even worse about it lately, I do whatever I can to pump milk prior to him eating so that he doesn't have to latch and I don't have to fight him. I don't have a nice electric pump, either. I would rather hand pump, which also hurts my wrists, than nurse, though I wish I liked nursing so he could be getting all the milk I know me pumping can't. I just want to avoid it whenever possible (and I still nurse, I stopped in the middle of typing this to nurse him).

But we're going on five weeks and I'm still breastfeeding with supplementing, despite how much I hate it. I want to give my son (and myself) as many of the benefits as I possibly can and the longer you do so, the better. As long as I feel like I can mentally stand it, I'll push on. As long as I feel like the positive feelings out-weigh the negative, I'm going to keep on. Maybe my attitude will change, maybe the problem is with me and with more support I can get the problems fixed, who knows?

And I do have positive moments with breastfeeding. I have so many photos of him after he's passed out on my breast and even in the hospital of me nursing him. I like knowing I'm doing something good for my son... but I don't like breastfeeding and will be glad when it's over.

I have so many wonderful memories of him falling asleep after a feeding and me just being in awe of this beautiful little human we made, holding his hand, etc.

He looked so beautiful and peaceful post-feedings in the hospital (he still does, but I don't have those photos on this computer, sadly).

I had hoped it would be a great bonding experience like I've heard, but it is not at all for me. I remember before I started that I planned to exclusively breastfeed for six months before even introducing food and then to continue up to a year (honestly, I had pictured how great it was going to be once we got it down and I was mentally prepared to nurse him up until three or four if he was still wanting to nurse for that long--now I'm praying we make it to a year).

I hope for other mom's out there that they don't go through what I am, I wish every mother who wants to breastfeed has a much more positive experience than I have. I'm still hoping maybe we can turn it around with enough support, but I'm already luckier than a lot of women in that my husband is fantastic at supporting my attempts to breastfeed, including getting up in the middle of the night with me to hold Wiley's hands so he can't shove me away. It will never be my goal in telling anybody how much I hate breastfeeding and the issues I have had with it to scare other women off of it, I think it's best to inform yourself... I wish I had realized all of the problems I might face going in. The latching thing was expected but I didn't expect to have such a large baby and have to play catch-up because of it, I didn't expect him to be so strong and to fight me. I assumed he'd be like a newborn kitten and just be able to latch himself (my cat, Locke, had kittens and they seemed to have no problems finding the nipple and latching despite being blind at birth), instead he'll bounce his head around like he's hoping it'll make it in and fighting me while I try to help him.

No football hold or guiding their head needed.

We're working on getting me an electric pump, so hopefully soon I'll have every tool at my disposal to continue to give Wiley the best nutrition possible, though.

I also left out that yesterday was Wiley's one month birthday! I might make another post in a few days, but here's a picture I got to celebrate it:

One month!

And for anybody interested, I got the month stickers from Belly to Baby Designs on Etsy. Also, I didn't realize that it came with the first weeks stickers so I ordered it right before he turned a month... I wish I had known because I'd have loved to have gotten a newborn photo as well as the first few weeks with those as well.