Patrick and I Stopped by My Grandmother's Today

When we got there we informed her that we’re having the baby via c-section tomorrow morning.

She made the cutest happy face, I loved it.

She’s apparently been sick the past week and is just now feeling better (and her better currently is still sick compared to how she was prior to last December).

It made me glad to see how excited she was. Her memory is getting worse so she struggles to even remember we’re having a boy. On top of that she can’t ever remember the name we picked out, even though Wiley is being named William after my grandaddy (her husband). I did tell her we were going to call him Wiley but that his official name is William Lawrence and she seemed very happy with that.

I told Patrick that I want Grandmother to see the baby asap, I think my mom thinks she won’t be able to make it to the hospital, she’s just so sick. I hate that because the hospital is 10 minutes from her house, tops… and we have free valet parking passes and I’m going to save that and mention it to mom. From there I imagine in a hospital they’d have a wheelchair we could borrow to wheel her up to the room in. She does live 10 minutes from the hospital, but it’s 10 minutes the opposite direction. My cousins also smoke in the house and I’m already unhappy about that for my grandmother’s sake but definitely don’t want to stop by with my newborn in that. Mostly, though… I’ll have just had major surgery a few days prior, I doubt I’m going to have the energy to stop by my grandmother’s in order to have her meet her first great-grandchild, which I hate. But I don’t want to wait too long for her to see him because I’m so worried I’m going to lose her soon, too.

But still, it made me really happy to see how much it made her happy when she found out her great-grandson was about to be here. That’s the one perk of having this c-section, I can tell her when he’s going to be here.

It's Official

Yesterday we scheduled a c-section, I'm pretty upset about it.

And I feel guilty that I'm so miserable and terrified and instead of being happy I'm going to get to see my baby boy I just started crying as soon as I got off the phone.

And I don't feel like I can talk to anybody, and with Patrick he doesn't keep the conversation going or it goes in circles at best. I can't get all my feelings out.

We haven't told most of our friends yet, I've just mentioned it to two of them and my mom... because one friend is going to come a few weeks after his birth to visit.

My mom is trying to be positive because she knows I'm upset. She had two c-sections and was fine, but she at least got to go into labor. She at least honestly believed she needed one (ok, she did need one with my brother, I don't know about me). I'm not convinced, we started to delay scheduling one 'til next week because the doctor would have let us, but then I felt like if it's less than a weeks difference between this Friday and next Tuesday I might as well do it a bit sooner because September 1 is the cut-off for being able to put your child in school or forced to hold them back an extra year. Of course, Friday got moved up to Thursday so we debated more... But then I found out Patrick is off work Monday at at least one of his jobs, anyway... so he'd get an extra day with me and the baby before having to go back to work. If we did the surgery Tuesday then he'd have had the day off and then still miss three days and have one less day with us... So the earlier day won out, even though we wanted to wait 'til I went into labor. I felt like the llikelyhood of me going into labor between Thursday and Tuesday wasn't that great, I guess I could be wrong... I don't know.

I'm just really disheartened, really scared, really depressed. I feel violated. My doctor didn't force me, but I feel pushed... I feel like I'm not going to get what I think is best so I'm trying to make the best of what I can have, which isn't all that comforting.

I want to be happy about seeing my baby boy, but instead I'm just terrified. I had to hold back tears while scheduling the surgery over the phone. As soon as we hung up I just started crying. I don't want to be this sad about what should be something happy. I want to be excited... but I just feel dread. 

And I think it's so sad, I'm terrified of a surgery... but I'm one of the few women I know who seemed to have no fear of natural birth, of unmedicated birth... Of the pain. I'm not scared of the pain, I'm scared of dying. I trust my body to do what it's supposed to do. I'm not saying I wouldn't get scared once contractions started coming at all, but nothing like I know I am and will be for this. I'm somebody who has hardly any fear of delivering naturally and I'm not going to get to and I am miserable and more frightened than a baby bunny right now. Surgery is one of my biggest fears, I've been having nightmares recently and I know they're all connected to the fear I had of c-section. In them I was being attacked and couldn't defend myself and got no help. I wasn't in control. All the same feelings as my feelings on having a c-section.

I'm hoping I can calm down some, but I'm not counting on it. 

39 Week Belly Pic

So here's my 39 week baby belly photo! We took it yesterday so it's really only a 38 weeks, 6 days photo... but we're rounding up because I am not going to put on makeup just to get a photo today.

I can't believe I'm at the end of my pregnancy, of course I still feel like it's far away. I don't think he'll be coming on his own anytime this week, despite my prayers (maybe he will, though. I keep trying to remind myself that labor can start very quickly in some women so you never know). Since I'd only be 38 weeks by my original due date I would prefer he stay in there 'til closer to the end of the week, anyway... Although I guess tomorrow is when we'll talk to the doctor and decide if we want to go with a c-section August 30 or not. Part of me would at least rather wait 'til September 3 (since I can't have it the first or second, which I'd prefer) but I dunno. If I think she'll let me go 'til at least September 8 I may just hold off and see if he won't come on his own sometime between the original due date and the moved up one (even if I have to have a c-section, while I recognize planned c-section are statistically safer... I also want him to get the benefit of the natural labor chemicals like oxytocin... And I trust my doctor's abilities.

Patrick and I went to an outlet mall yesterday and as we were heading into the parking lot this group of girls came walking up, some older (I think our age) and some in their teens/preteens. I'm not 100% positive because I wasn't trying to listen in on their conversation but I am pretty sure that one of the younger girls loudly asked her friends if I was carrying twins. It took me a second to register what she had said and to double-check my brain and make sure I didn't mishear what she was saying and it have nothing to do with me. 

And I ask Patrick if he'd heard it (he hadn't, he was ahead of me and not paying attention whatsoever). I know I'm big, but twins? Patrick pointed out that what they estimate Wiley to be is what two preemie twins combined would be in-utero, so I guess he's right... but still. I guess in my head I'm not all that big because my measurements aren't really that much more than pre-pregnancy. I've gained weight now, yeah... but I've lost it in my back (smaller fat rolls, haha) and I guess now I'm mostly tummy, but to me I see my stomach more than anything and my stomach doesn't look that much different.

I'm not upset, I just was surprised to hear that kind of remark about me, though. I don't seem myself as all that big 'til we get photos and then I do see myself as huge, but I know a good chunk of it is baby.

But now I need to go trim Patrick's hair, he's been needing a trim badly, badly, badly for awhile now. Gotta look pretty before the baby gets here!

Anxiety

There's nothing really new to report here, I'm afraid. Still pregnant, still waiting for Wiley to make his grand appearance.

I am so anxious, I have trouble sleeping at night and I don't know if it's just a normal part of being pregnant or the anxiety I have about the fact that my baby still isn't coming and as far as I can tell isn't going to come any time soon (and by soon I mean in the next few days, while I recognize he could come in the next week, I feel like it will be a week or more if he's to come on his own).

My anxiety isn't even over the delivery, at least not the way I think most pregnant women would have anxiety. I'm not scared of the delivery, or not very much, if I get to have him un-medicated like I'm hoping for. I mean, it's going to hurt, but women have done this since the dawn of time, I'll be fine... and if for some reason I can't deliver him vaginally I trust my doctor to do a wonderful job at the c-section I'd need to have.

I'm much more anxious because I want so badly to have a vaginal birth but I feel like my chance to do that is slipping by while Wiley just continues to sit comfy cozy in me. I think he has begun to drop, but I don't think he's dropped completely. I want so badly for Wiley to come when he's ready, not when it's convenient for me or my doctor or anybody else... but I also feel like if I wait in the hopes of going into labor on my own I may still end up not meeting some deadline that I fear my doctor will put me on after I hit 40 weeks and a c-section will be inevitable. And truthfully, I can understand her concern...  while I'm willing and hoping I'll be allowed to go past 40 weeks, even up to 41, if the ultrasound measurements are correct and he was 9.10lbs on Monday then by this coming Monday he could be just over 10lbs and so by the time I'd reach 41 weeks we'd be looking at a baby that is possibly 11lbs at birth and I imagine that even sectioning a baby that big isn't the ideal.

So Patrick and I have switched from being about ready to give in and schedule the section for next week to  thinking we should hold off a little longer.

And I'm torn because every day I don't feel like he's noticeably dropped, don't feel the pressure in my pelvis that women talk about when they go through the lightening, I'm still comfortable walking around for the most part and have any of those other signs of labor in the next few days I get disheartened. And then I get anxious because I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to wait on the c-section only to have him not come before I have to do one, anyway, especially when I could have him in my arms this time next week. I want him to be a September baby so most of me is fine waiting 'til September 3, even... but then I also know that September 1 is the cut-off for being able to enroll your child in school at a certain age, so he'd be forced to be held back a year and I want that to be my choice, not the government's... which makes August 30 look pretty enticing. Mostly I want him to come when he's ready, as soon as that may be, so I know he's fully developed and ready to be in the world... So when he still doesn't come and I have to weigh the pros and cons of everything, worry about deciding to have a major surgery that maybe if I waited a few days I could avoid. To top it off, my wrists are still hurt beyond just carpal tunnel, Patrick will have to go back to work within three days of the birth and while I have friends and family willing to help it's nerve wracking to think that not only will I have a large baby to lift (lifting my 16lb dog and 17lb cat is already painful for me, though I'm hoping they just flail more than he does) but I'll have an incision to worry about and I'll be sore and in pain. I want to breastfeed so bad (one of the reasons I'm so dead-set on a vaginal birth is so that I can breastfeed him immediately after birth and not have to wait for them to sew me up and my milk to come in) and I worry that between both those issues I'll struggle and eventually have to give up well before I intend to.

...So then I get angry at him, and I feel like I'm starting out as the worst parent in the world because I'm already angry at my unborn baby. Patrick tried to comfort me with the fact one of his daddy books says at this point it's normal for the mom to feel frustrated, but I feel like I'm beyond frustrated because it's directed specifically at the baby for measuring so big and yet still not being ready to come a little bit early for us. That I'm trying to be considerate of him and make the best choices for him and willing to attempt an un-medicated vaginal delivery (despite the fact that he's so big) in the hopes that I won't have to have a c-section and he'll get all the benefits of a vaginal birth and have the best start in life and he's not helping me at all. I don't care how heavy it is for me to carry him, but my anxiety over feeling like I'm sitting on a ticking time bomb is making me irritated at my own sweet baby. I think about how I'd love to try some of those crazy home remedies to induce labor but then I realize that if I'm going to do that I might as well just suck it up and do the c-section, which is safer for everybody... so then I think if it's making me have these thoughts that I'm not happy I'm having maybe the best choice is to have the c-section at the end of next week so I don't have to worry anymore and my anxiety over not knowing what to do will go away.

So I guess Monday when we go to the doctor I'm going to see if she thinks he's dropped into my pelvis yet and if I'm a good bit more dilated than the 1cm I was I may try to hold out... if I don't seem to have any progress I might not. Either way I may admit my feelings of annoyance/anger to her and see what she thinks I should do and when she thinks is the absolute latest we can wait to try for a c-section. I'm not trying to be stubborn or prove how tough I am by not inducing and trying to vaginally deliver a possibly large baby, I just really have wanted this whole time to give my son the best possible start in life I could and from all my research that seems like the best way, and even if he is large it's not a guarantee that I won't be able to do it...but he's getting to that point that even I'm starting to doubt my decisions.

In other news, Lupe had her annual vet visit... she did not appreciate it, but she's healthy and happy and everything looks good. She has to go back in three weeks for a booster to a new shot they've just started giving (Lepro) and Abel will need to go in about that time, anyway... so I'm going to take him in for his annual and take Lupe to get the booster at the same time. We'll see how that works, especially with Wiley in tow.

Birth and Death

I'll start off with the happy bit, the baby belly pic.

38 Weeks!

We had another ultrasound to check on Wiley's growth today, he's measuring an estimated 9.10lbs. The doctor talked to us about our options and recommended a planned c-section at the end of August. He's in position and I'm about a centimeter dilated but his head has yet to drop down into my pelvis. Patrick and I said we'd think about it and discuss it further so I'm not totally sure what's going to happen. When we left I felt like a c-section was inevitable and while I handled it better than I thought I would, I was really disappointed and had to avoid thinking too much about my fears with the surgery since that would have caused me to start crying.

I called my mom when we left and was telling her about the appointment and after I finished telling her she informed me that my paternal grandmother, Rita, passed away yesterday. 

Rita, myself and my brother

Rita was actually her grandmother name, not her real name. Well, it was her nickname in general and became her grandmother name, I didn't find out until I was older that it wasn't her real name and I was so surprised because it just fit her. Rita was a nickname she got from one of her sons when he started taking Spanish in school. He'd come home an call her "senorita" and somehow over time it just got shortened to "Rita".

Me with Rita at 10 months

Rita was such an amazing woman, my grandfather was sick (I believe with cancer) while her sons were still relatively young. I recall stories of her working two jobs, one at the courthouse and one at a doctor's office, just so she could get insurance to pay for her ailing husband with the one job and the retirement benefits from the government with the other.

Rita was always so positive, I don't remember her ever being anything but happy, honestly. I was always a bit intimidated by her as a child and I don't know if part of it was just her overall goodness. She was a devout Christian, even in the roughest of times. She was loved by everybody that knew her and a real extrovert (which overwhelmed young, introvert me). She had a strong southern accent and I remember having trouble understanding her sometimes, and I hate to say I think it kept me from getting as close to her as I wish I had. Not only did she lose her first husband, she lost her two youngest sons. My father died of cancer and his younger brother died in a car crash when I was in elementary school. I'm sure she hurt but she didn't let it hamper her love of God. She had a brain tumor the size of a softball at one point, so big the doctors were amazed she could even walk.. and she handled it beautifully and never let it dampen her spirit. Truly a remarkable, resilient woman.

Rita was diagnosed with dementia several years ago, after awhile she had to be put in the nursing home because her husband couldn't care for her the way she needed it. He woke up one night to find her outside their condo. He put a chain at the top of the door that he locked at night and one night he came out to find her attempting to use her cane to push the chain off. I recall going to eat at their condo for Christmas shortly after she was put in the nursing home. Because she was in a familiar place her memory was better, but I had to fight back tears when she asked where my uncle Tommy was. He was the youngest son that died in a car crash probably twenty years ago now. Without missing a beat my aunt and uncle told her that Tommy was at Christmas with his new girlfriend instead of reminding her he had passed. I don't know how they handled it so well because just hearing her ask broke my heart and they dealt with her much more frequently.

She fell and broke her hip a few nights ago and was taken to the hospital, while there she caught pneumonia. My aunt invited my mom to go visit her, citing that Rita was having a good day the day before. My mom was over here helping me clean the house and invited me to go with her the next morning and I told her I thought we'd be too busy taking Lupe to get discount vaccinations about 45 minutes away. We opted not to do it and I talked to my mom the next morning, but I had just taken Abel to the vet and spent all our money to get their flea medicine and dewormer and was upset to discover when we attempted to start my car that my battery had died. I told my mom I just didn't feel good, which I didn't... I was grumpy and having mild contractions. I regretted a bit not going, but I felt like it was a bad idea for me to go while 9 months pregnant because it hurts me to have to see them tell my grandmother that I'm her granddaughter and I didn't want to start crying since I'm extra emotional right now. After talking to my mom, it sounds like it's good I didn't go. Rita became agitated while my mom was there and she ended up staying there much longer than she meant to. She said you could just see the panic in Rita's eyes, how she was saying she was going to die and they began giving her morphine to calm her down. I can only imagine how I might have handled that. So I regret not seeing her one last time, but I'm trying to comfort myself with the fact it was probably for the best and that I think Rita would understand.

I hate that Wiley won't ever get to meet her, but part of me felt this whole time like one of my grandmothers wouldn't make it 'til his birth. I'm not sure why, I just felt like it would be too good to be true that they did... and honestly, I had hoped it would be Rita if either of them. Rita wasn't herself anymore, she could get mean and was paranoid. She couldn't recognize her own family, she wouldn't realize that Wiley was even her great-grandchild. He's also not her first, I so want my maternal grandmother to be around to see her first great-grandchild. So while it's sad, we can at least comfort ourselves with the thought that Rita is in Heaven and gets to be with her two sons, her late husband and all her other loved ones that have already passed on... and the best part is she can be her wonderful, happy self again.

(I'm afraid all these photos of Rita include me because they're photos I scanned and uploaded to Facebook. I wish I had some others of her, but I don't.)

38 Weeks Today

We're getting so close to having our little boy here with us, I'm so excited.

I'm also nervous, but not about what I guess most new moms are. I'm more nervous about our doctor appointment tomorrow, complete with ultrasound.

Tomorrow we talk about our options with our doctor and I have been anxious about the fact he's measuring large, not because I'm scared of birthing a large baby but because I think my doctor will err on the side of "caution".

Since it was first mentioned we may have to do a c-section due to his size I've done lots of research, I've posted about it here frequently... I feel like I need to shut up about it, but until I know for sure I'll at least be able to get a trial of labor I'm just so anxious.

I've done my research, everything I've seen keeps me coming back to not doing a c-section just because it's thought he may be large. Late in pregnancy ultrasounds aren't always accurate and can be off by a pound or more. I am aware this means he could be bigger than 9.6lbs, but that doesn't worry me much either. I wanted a hospital birth to begin with so that we would have that safety net, of course if I knew what I know now I might have tried to figure out a way to go to a birthing center out of state, but I did like the comfort of knowing if something were to go wrong, I'd be right where I needed to be to fix it. I'm just not convinced a c-section is medically necessary when I have had a completely normal, healthy pregnancy and have no risk factors that would lead me to a c-section (breech, cord prolapse, gestational diabetes, etc). If tomorrow the ultrasound were to show there's an actual problem that normally warrants an ultrasound I wouldn't hesitate to have one... but women give birth to large babies all the time. I know women give birth to breech babies too, but in that scenario I would likely err on the side of caution (he was in position at 35 weeks, though... so I'm expecting him to still be there). So I don't feel I'm being unreasonable.

I think some people think I'm more concerned with my body, and I am... I don't want major surgery for no reason after all. But who would? But it's also for my baby that I'm concerned with not only his health but my own. A c-section raises my risk of death during birth by 3-4%, if I understand correctly. I can get infection, I won't be able to care for him like I would were I to have a vaginal birth. I'll have to be recovering. I don't think I'm being selfish, if I were so concerned with my body and what's easiest I might just opt for the c-section. I just trust my body.

I mentioned to my aunt I wasn't planning to get an epidural and that he may be large and I was hoping for a vaginal birth and she started to try to talk up c-sections. She said some stuff I knew for a fact was untrue just from all the research I've done, but I just agreed politely since in the end it's my choice. Rather, she tried to give me what is likely "common knowledge" but is in fact false. That the doctor has likely seen a lot of births--true, but how many natural births? Likely not many. Ob/gyns are surgeons and they like to do what they're most familiar with, so they are (in general) quick to push for surgery from what I've come to understand. That the doctor has no interest other than for me to have a healthy baby-- I have no doubt my doctor wants this, but she also wants to avoid a possible lawsuit. She doesn't necessarily have what's healthiest for me in mind, and even the baby... she can avoid some risks, but she's also avoiding positive aspects of natural birth in the process. We'll come out alive and I'll be able to recover and he'll be fine, I have no doubt... but that doesn't mean it's the best or healthiest way. My aunt also said that sometimes it's kinder to the baby to not put them through birth, but natural birth is what is supposed to happen. It has health benefits for the child, first of all... and the child takes part in initiating it in natural, non-induced labors. I can't imagine being happy in my nice, warm womb and then suddenly ripping me out of it, regardless of if I'm fully developed and ready to go or not. That's much worse, in my opinion. I was a c-section baby, as was Patrick. We're fine, I know if I have to get one he'll be fine... but that doesn't make it the best choice until there is a medical reason for it.

To top it off, my aunt never had children of her own, though I know she wanted to. I don't know that she's ever read a pregnancy book and even if she had, we know more now than we did 20-30 years ago. My mom was amazed by all the knowledge I had and said how she had read a pregnancy book but didn't know anything like I do.

I read a book on c-sections, I think it was trying to normalize them and make it seem ok to have one... And on the one hand I understood their purpose, women who get c-sections when they don't want them sometimes feel like they're failures... But at the same time, it's not ideal and I felt like they tried to ignore that fact and sweep it under the rug. Yes, if you need to get a c-section that's fine and you should feel no shame. I told Patrick how I felt like as long as I was allowed a trial of labor, I don't think if I had to get a c-section that I'd regret it so much. If I have to get a planned c-section I'll always wonder "Could I have done it?" and feel like my doctor didn't have faith in me or my body, faith I do have in myself... but if I went in, tried for vaginal and was unable to deliver without a c-section? I may be mildly disappointed, but I'd recognize sometimes these things happen and that was the way my birth needed to be.

I could go on and on but poor Patrick just got home and I'm sitting here ignoring him, I should spend time with my husband.

Anyway, I'm so anxious for him to get here. Since I'm full term by both estimated due-dates now part of me would love for him to come this week in the hopes I can have my birth my way... but at the same time, I'd rather him stay in there 'til he's good and ready to come out. If she does want to plan a c-section I'll likely push for her to go to 40 or 41 weeks, since my due date was moved up a week I figure at 40 weeks he'll be 39 weeks at least and I want him to get to that point... but at 41 weeks if he hasn't come yet he'd be 40 weeks by my original (which since I'm pretty much 99% sure of when we did the deed, I'm convinced my original due date is the correct one) and I can't imagine pushing my luck any longer than that. But we'll find out tomorrow! Then I guess I can stop thinking about it so much (or start thinking about it more and more, augh).


It's raining and gross out so we may get my 38 week pic today or wait 'til it clears up... I don't know. We'll see!

We had our 37 week appointment yesterday, everything looked and sounded good. Wiley is still measuring big, but that's not a surprise. Next week we're getting another ultrasound to check on his size compared to the fundal height measurements she's getting and then I guess we'll look at and discuss our options. Patrick started to tell her we didn't want a c-section and I just gave him a look to silence him at the end because I didn't want to get in to it if we could wait another week (especially since I assume that means if I went into labor before the next appointment we could attempt it my way).

Then, as we were leaving the hospital we got to the elevator that was the only way we know of to get down to the parking lot we parked in from the hospital (my mom found this parking lot and it's less expensive than the other lots--$1 for an hour or more as opposed to $3 for anything between 30 minutes and 4 hours when our appointments have generally been right at or under an hour, so sometimes we get out without having to pay anything at all. There's more of a walk, but we're healthy so that's just extra exercise. Obviously we won't be using it when I go into labor, haha. I saw the walk-over to the parking deck across the street and I figured from there we could cross and get back to the sidewalk easily enough and then the parking lot we parked in but it was raining and we both thought it was raining harder and I was starting to feel what I assume are round ligament pains when I was walking so I sent Patrick on ahead to get the car and figured I'd slowly make my way down this hill (well, the road part of the hill--I considered walking down an actual grassy hill but thought I'd avoid risking sliding on slick grass and falling) and right as I was about to step on the side-walk from the road, about five feet from where I was planning to wait for Patrick, I stepped on a slick spot and fell before I even knew what was happening. I blame the paint they use for cross-walks (it was a faded out cross-walk so I thought the paint wouldn't be so slick and didn't take extra caution like I normally would... but I was still going incredibly slow at this point and being careful in general), I hate that stuff. The kicker is, since we'd gotten there I kept telling Patrick "You have to hold my hand when we get in here, I'm wearing flip-flops and they get slick when it rains and I don't feel safe on these hard floors." I made him hold my hand several times on the walk to the doctor's office (ok, it's not like I had to force him--he loves holding my hand, but this was hand-holding with the purpose of keeping me and Wiley safe and balanced). I thought the road wouldn't be so slick and that I could manage a hill fine since I have generally good balance despite being pregnant (ok, I know I've hurt my hand by falling a few times--but the thing is I end up right next to a wall when I trip over something that's not where it should be and hurt my already hurt hand because I don't have time to catch myself/catch myself on the wall in the wrong position), especially since I was going to go slow. I told Patrick to go ahead without me, he didn't even see me when I fell. I saw him pull up to pay the fee right before I managed to get myself up and hobble over to where he could easily pick me up. He didn't know what had happened 'til I told him.

I wound up hurting my left knee, it's cut but otherwise I'm thinking it's fine (hoping it is). I managed to not hurt my right wrist more, which is a miracle because I think that even though my left knee got the brunt of impact, my right hand was the second point of impact (my right shoulder and back hurts more than the left side). I told Patrick I can't even remember realizing to catch myself, one minute I was up and the next minute I was on the ground in pain. I didn't hit my stomach, though, so I was fairly confident the baby was fine and since I wasn't having sharp pain I didn't want to go back into the hospital to get checked out because I didn't want to have to go to the emergency room since I didn't feel like it was an emergency, but I didn't know if I could or even should bother trying to go to my ob/gyn whom I'd just left.

I've felt Wiley move since then, and I've recovered other than having to put band-aids and neosporin on my knee to try to help this big cut go away. I napped a bit afterward and felt tired for a few hours even after that, but we managed to run a couple errands and at the end of the day took Lupe to a park since we never have time to go together to do that anymore (and it's too hot for me).

So here are a few pics from the park, just because I like posts with pics in them.

I was trying to get Lupe to cooperate and be in the picture but it didn't really work, oops. She was the one that wanted up there, though, brat dog.

Seeing these photos made me realize just how big I am now, I seriously feel like I look like a planet. It doesn't help we have a small little dog (approximately 14lbs) and that my baby is probably already half that on top of me already being plus-sized. 

Oh well, not much longer. It also was partially just the angles... and the clothes. I had to make due with what I could find because my go-to outfits/maternity clothes were being washed after my fall/just needing to wash clothes. The maternity shorts I wore were actually wet when I put them on, I was so desperate. 

I just thought the clouds looked really pretty behind the city at sundown.

And then Patrick got to run around and help get some of Lupe's energy out while I watched and filmed. Poor Lupe never gets exercise anymore other than a short walk because I'm too pregnant, Patrick is working all the time and it's too hot for both me and Lupe outside, anyway. Hopefully this fall we can get in better shape and next summer maybe I'll be able to figure out a better way to keep water handy for her to drink and to keep her cooler in general (I considered seeing about getting her shaved, but in the winter her fur seems like it's no protection from the cold--so I don't feel like her fur is too thick, it's just that she's a little dog and she's black so it's extra hard for her to regulate her temperature).

We had to go by the library to get something printed out and while there I wanted to see if the books I had previously read on childbirth were there, but they weren't. Instead I wound up checking out six different books. I've already finished the one on c-sections (which I got since I figured since it is a possibility for me I needed to do my research and possibly it would make me feel less opposed to one--it didn't, even though the book was pretty pro-Cesarean in my mind. I mean, it was mostly about those who had to have a c-section for medical reasons, I just still wasn't convinced that in my case it's the right choice... unless one of the situations I've already accepted as me needing a c-section for come up in the meantime. But for a big baby? Still not sold. One book was on plus-size pregnancy but I bought a book super cheap about it and read it at the begining of my pregnancy and now it's kinda like "Ok, I've passed all these issues" since a lot of it goes on about gestational diabetes and having high blood pressure and all these issues I don't have. At the begining of my pregnancy I just felt terrified I'd end up with them, so I don't know if reading a plus-size pregnancy book was the smartest but I was tired of the normal pregnancy books (which still left me semi-paranoid in general) not touching on issues I'd have more specifically as a plus-size woman... There were maybe two sections about being overweight and it's generally just not to be and then goes back to the "You're more likely to have these if you're overweight"... and I didn't have them, so it didn't help me.

The others are about childbirth, current maternity care and natural childbirth specifically.... so we'll see how I feel after I read those.

Pet Photo Spam

I thought I'd share a few (dozen) pics of Lupe and Abel that I've amassed over the past week or two because I think my furbabies are just too precious. I really hope they adjust well to having a baby brother and that Patrick and I can continue to give them lots of love and attention, even if it's not quite as much as before. I comfort myself with the fact that eventually Wiley will be able to join us in loving on the animals and even be able to play with them.

Abel has determined the crib is his. Luckily, he can't really jump into it without there being something beside the crib for him to get up on first (in this case, the dog cage 'til we figure out where to move it)... so once Wiley gets here he can't just get up with him (I've seen him attempt to get in the crib from the floor, he's not able to jump quite high enough). I've also since washed the bedding so we'll probably actually start trying to keep him from getting in there once I replace the bedding.

Here Abel is trying to steal Patrick's pot pie. I'm sure some germaphobe is freaking out somewhere at the idea of a cat being on a table--but my entire life our cats have been able to get on our tables/counters (Abel doesn't get on the counters, which is nice, though)... the only time we stop them is when we have guests over and that's generally at holidays where we've thoroughly cleaned them (although with our table here the only time I keep Abel off it is with guests over--but I clean it on a more regular basis. The table at my mom's kinda got taken over by the cats for awhile). I've always been exceptionally healthy and so I'm really not worried about it, I snuggle Abel with my face, anyway. Love my baby. Plus, he's indoor only--I've always had indoor-outdoor cats, so he's probably even cleaner. Either way, I could probably learn how to teach a cat to stay off the table, but I don't know how and it doesn't bother me so I don't stop it.

Look at my handsome boy, in his favorite spot in front of the bathroom door. Here he looks so much like my cat, Tucker, that passed away a little over a year ago. 

I thought Abel looked so cute here, peeking out from his hiding spot!

I swear, I take photos of Lupe, Abel is just easier to get 'cause he moves less, does cuter stuff while asleep and doesn't turn into a black blur when he moves. Lupe actually avoids the camera because she hates the flash.

I was getting paranoid that I've gotten too fat for the baby sling I purchased--ignoring the fact in a few weeks I'll have had the baby and that'll at least get rid of some of my belly. Still, forced Abel to be my test subject to be sure I could still manage to fit a baby in it at the size I'm at currently. He's actually a large baby at 12lbs, haha. 

Don't let that face fool you--Lupe wanted to be up there with me. I think she was jealous of the attention Abel was getting because as soon as I put him down she jumped up in my lap, such a brat.

Here's Lupe shortly after we gave her her adoption day present--a stuffed toy bone. We bought it mostly because Lupe loves ripping out stuffing, it's all over the floor now. But at this point I was telling her to go get it 'cause she'd already put it down.

Lupe is such a prissy little girl, it's so funny that people mistake her for a boy--between her hot pink collar and leash (the leash you can see from far away) and just her overall way she carries herself. Lupe is a prissy little thing. This is one of three photos of her holding her paw up, which she does all the time, but that's how long she'll do it for... that I can get three photos in without even rushing to try to get them. 

I looooove this photo of her, I wish I had gotten it without the flash--but it wouldn't have been as clear without it, I'm sure. The only time I get good flash-less photos of Dupes is when we're outdoors.

Such a ham.

Abel trying to figure out what a screw driver is, haha.

Poor Abel gets no respect--just lots and lots of horrible love and attention.

Our fat little man. It was kinda shocking the other day when I saw old photos of him and realized he is fat compared to when we got him. I'd comforted myself with the fact that while he gained weight when we first got him (he looked about to burst pregnant) that I'd had him lose most of it.... Apparently not, though. Still, the vet last time I checked said he was healthy so until his checkup next month I'm not going to worry about it. The vet said you could feel his ribs and muscles and that some male cats just get a belly after being fixed.

And here's a pic I got today of my wild cat, Stash.... who is about 1/2 to 1/3 the size of Abel. Oh geeze.

Oh gosh, this is going to be so hard trying to remember what I have and haven't posted about.

Today Patrick got to work on raising up the platform on the crib to where it should be so that I can actually reach Wiley. Of course, once he gets here my belly won't be so big anymore so I guess it'll be easier anyway... but still, it was on the toddler setting and that is definitely too low for me to be able to pick him up.

Lupe was so nice, she helped daddy while he did it.

Abel then came by later to see what was being done to his crib.

A couple days ago we got our infant car seat in and installed it. We then had to un-install it when Patrick's mom gave us a bookshelf we had asked for when she was having her garage sale. We managed to get it in the back seat, though. I'm thinking I'm going to paint it. It's a nice wood, but I don't think she realized there's scratches--which are fine, but also green crayon on the shelf. It's not the end of the world either way, and I should probably not paint it... but I'm tempted. But yeah, we got a Britax infant car seat, which I'm really excited about. I'd been looking at a Graco one that a few friends had mentioned but had decided on a Britax convertible car seat after doing my research. I just really liked a lot of the safety features it had. The car seat is one of the few places I really was willing to splurge a little since it's for his safety and I didn't want to cut corners. Of course, we were lucky Patrick's dad and step-mom gave it to us for a present. Originally my plan was to not get an infant car seat at all since I figured Wiley would fit in a convertible car seat--but apparently you have to have one for the hospital, anyways... Of course, my friend is giving me one of her old infant car seats, too (her baby was born in December, so it's not that old and I know she hasn't been in an accident), so I guess I could've just bought the convertible car seat--but I also want my mom to have a car seat installed in her car so we're going to give her that one to use. And the infant car seat will be useful, I'm sure. I don't think Lupe is so thrilled about it, though.

"Why is this in Lupe's spot?"

"I'm not going to like this baby thing, am I?"

A week ago, I guess, I finished my baby wreath for the hospital door/our front door. I assume the hospital will let me hang it up on our door, I don't even actually know... oops. Seems like I saw some when I came to tour the hospital, but it was a weekend and they didn't really take us past any inhabited rooms.

The star is going to have Wiley's birth date, time, weight and all that on it... once I borrow a paint pen from one of our moms... and he gets here, of course. I decided to make one thinking it'd be cheaper than buying one off of Etsy, I think it was about the same... I guess you make a profit at those when you know how to work the sales at a craft store and already have the glue gun (we lost ours somehow, grr) and other supplies you need. I wanted to put a bow on it... but I think you have to practice dark magic to be able to tie the bow the way I wanted (the big, puffy wreath bow type). I watched numerous tutorials and could not get it. I'd asked Patrick's mom to help, but she got distracted a lot so I gave up and just decided to go bow-less, but I'm happy with the outcome.

I'm upset that my baby's dresser is already getting paint scratched off. Luckily it's the brown, which I still have plenty of extra left... one of the knobs is scratched up and part of the front of the dresser. I'm wondering if Lupe didn't attempt to get one of the stuffed animals off the dresser and scratched it with her claws. We'd thought we should put a coat of polyurethane on it, anyway. I guess now we'll actually do it.

So before Wiley gets here I need to get my eyebrows done one more time (I'm sure I won't feel like makeup and will generally look like hell in pics post-birth but at least my eyebrows can be on-point). I need to get Lupe's nails trimmed. I need to trim Abel's nails. I need to take Lupe to the vet (it's just time for her yearly checkup, I think... but they haven't sent me a card telling me. I just know we took her within three days of adopting her). I need to get my car tag renewed (I'm likely going to have Patrick do that, honestly). So much expensive stuff, ugh.

Part of me is ready to go back to work again so we have money, except I really want to spend time with Wiley. Especially the first six months, after that I've accepted I'll need to go back unless we just get lucky. Only problem is I've fallen and hurt my wrist again since the original accident that hurt it as well as carried something and ran into a door frame with it, which hurt it more. I also think my carpal tunnel is acting up in both wrists so hopefully some of the pain will go away post-baby because I'm sure it's a pregnancy thing... but I'm not counting on it magically being well in just six months, especially when I have a baby to take care of... But going back to doing hair would be ideal, so hopefully I can do that.

37 Week Belly Pic!

My computer is dying and I'm too tired/lazy to go get the charger for it so this is going to be a short and sweet post. I just thought I'd go on and share my belly pic for the week.

Finally full term! I'm so excited! No more worrying about Wiley coming early and automatically having to go to the NICU (although as I've mentioned before, from my original due-date I'm only 36 weeks so I'll feel better when we're at 38 weeks next week... I'll feel the best if he comes somewhere between 39 and 40 weeks--but as long as he comes sometime before 41 weeks I'll be happy. I'm doubtful my doctor will want to let me go past 40 weeks because of his size, we'll see.

I feel like I don't look any bigger this week and heaven knows I ate enough so I should have gained weight or something. I'm suspecting Wiley has begun to drop, but I don't think he's all the way yet. I know at my last doctor's visit he hadn't even started to yet--but that was over a week ago thanks to their awesome scheduling. I'm guessing my doctor might check when I go in for our appointment this week. Mostly I just feel like the upper part of my stomach used to be hard and it's squishy a few inches lower than it used to be and doesn't hurt for me to press--and I'm pretty sure it used to. And I felt some weird shifting when I was in bed a few nights ago like nothing I'd felt before.

Then again, I still don't even know if I've really felt my braxton hicks. I know some women don't but sometimes it feels like since I don't have any of the symptoms I'm going to be pregnant forever--but that obviously won't happen.

I have been sitting here all day waiting for UPS to deliver our order. Come onnnnn! I'm so anxious! Plus, we're going to go get ice cream for Lupe's adoption day since I got too lazy yesterday to actually take her out to celebrate (ok, it's hot as hell and wearing pants feels like the worst torture to me now.... and then walking around in said heat? Ugh.)

We finally ordered our infant car seat and a changing pad and cover for the changing pad. I'm thinking I still need to order a second car seat base to keep in my mom's car/any car we might need it in... but that will most often be my mom's.

It just hit me there's going to be a whole other person in my family now... I mean, I know it, but even when I talk about him it just kinda seems like an idea or a dream.

In less than a month there is going to be a little man that relies on me and Patrick for everything. I mean, he's already here, in my tummy... it should feel more real, I guess, but it doesn't. Even being pregnant with him I guess because my pregnancy has been so good, sometimes I just wonder if I'm not getting fatter. That the ultrasounds are tricks and that the kicks are just some weird muscle spasm.

But imagining my mom snapping her grandson into his car seat? Holy cow, my mom is going to be a grandmother. This is literally changing the face of our entire family. It was already weird thinking how Patrick's half brother, who is six, is going to be an uncle... but it's just as weird thinking how my brother who is 31 is going to be an uncle, or Patrick's brother who is 29.

I'm not sure if Wiley has started to drop yet, but I suspect he's starting to. I'll be 37 weeks on Sunday so it's not really surprising. He was supposed to already be head down a few weeks ago, I just thought it felt weird, like sliding, last night. Something I haven't really felt him do. My main reason for thinking he's about to start at least is that a part of my stomach at the top that was kinda hard is now squishy again and doesn't hurt me to poke into. It's only a few inches down, probably only I'd notice it, but still. I just kinda hope he is prepping to come a bit early so I can feel useful again! As much as I'd love the September 1 birthday, him coming early would probably be better for us just because he's estimated to be so big if he makes it to his due date.

I don't go back to the doctor 'til Wednesday (I'm so irritated I didn't get to go today, grr) so I guess we'll see then.

Happy Adoption Day to Lupe!

A year ago today we went to the local animal shelter to look at an apricot poodle mix named Paul Revere--but when we got there he'd already been adopted! We don't know Lupe's birthday or even month (we know Abel's, I believe) since she was found as a stray and approximately 2-3 when we adopted her, so we're treating her adoption day like her birthday. None of my pets in the past got that, and my cats that I do know their birthday didn't get much more than kitty treats... But that's because my mom is smarter about not wasting her money on frivolous things for the animals (in all fairness, we both spoil our pets enough every day... but I still want to get them a little present). Next month we'll celebrate Abel's adoption. I'm not going crazy with spending, though. I think a nice stuffed animal or a gourmet dog treat and a nice walk in the park should be enough.

We ended up looking at several other dogs at the shelter, even though my heart was set on a poodle we ended up taking Lupe with us that day. Part of me wishes I had held out 'til I found the dog. I love Lupe but our personalities are very similar and it's lead to issues (sometimes I wound up calling my mom crying I was so frustrated... and what's worse is I consider myself good with animals and never thought I'd have these problems, so I feel worse that I am). Our roommate was with us and between that and me being on about how badly I wanted a dog for so long I felt rushed/rushed myself into adopting more quickly than I might should have (I'm used to adopting cats--who find us or we find and it's always worked out well. I was a child when we adopted our dog, Mister, but since I was a kid I thought (and still think) Mister was perfect). Not to say Lupe is a bad dog, she's a very good dog... it's that sometimes I worry we're not the perfect match. But I still adore her, I can barely stand to take her to get her nails trimmed because it breaks my heart when they take her in the back room away from me. She is my baby and I love her. She's been a great dog for Patrick and helped him with anxiety immensely. All the more impressive when you consider that he used to be scared of dogs! She's very smart (sometimes too much for her own good), great at tricks and I think she'll be a fantastic dog for Wiley, which makes me happy. Well, as long as he keeps his toys put up because she will get them and rip the stuffing out of them if he doesn't.

Anyway, happy adoption day to our first baby, Lupe! We look forward to many, many, many more years! And hopefully next year me and Wiley and maybe Patrick will be able to take you out to actually celebrate by walking in the park and getting ice cream (Lupe loves the doggy sundaes at Bruster's)... I'm sorry, it was just too hot today and then raining and I'm 9 months pregnant and feeling every bit of it :(

Ding Dong The Witch is Dead

I thought I'd share the cute thing Abel did that kept me laughing for about twenty minutes. It's probably only funny to me, but whatever. It was also precious because you could see his toes twitching and curling up. Cute little man.

Abel loves that crib, being in it and under it both. Oh boy.

Nursery Update

We finally got the dresser done for our nursery, I mentioned it previously (I think I even posted a picture) but now I can show off the finished results.

Well, maybe not quite finished. I'm a bit paranoid that the paint we used for the top of the dresser is going to get messed up/scratched up... not slowly over time but if I put something on it today, haha. The top paint is latex low voc paint and me and my mother in law didn't pay attention to the white paint she already happened to have at the house, so she brought it over not realizing it was oil based and I used it not thinking to double check and make sure what base it was (I had even Googled to see if I should paint at all. I was expecting to get help and Patrick did give me some but he had stuff come up and my other help kinda bailed on me. I'm sure I could've asked friends, I'm just not one to ask for help... which is stupid, but it's too late now). I'm not too worried about it, I was sure to use good ventilation and take lots of breaks and all that and I felt fine. If I weren't in the last month to get this stuff done I would've waited for help, but I am dying to nest and paranoid he's going to get here before we get this stuff finished so I felt like I couldn't wait.

Anyway--here's the finished result!

Let's start with the before:

And the after:

It's not off the tarp yet since I want to see if I can get a protective coating to put over the top.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but that's the same rainbow wallpaper that was on Patrick's bedroom walls up until this year when his mom removed it and re-painted the room since she's trying to sell her house. 

When I first walked into his bedroom my first thought was "...There's something he needs to tell me, this is definitely not a date." Little did I realize I just found somebody who is unashamed of their love of rainbows, just like me (we even made our wedding rainbow themed). I used to have girls in cosmetology school think I was a lesbian because I wore a rainbow ribbon around my neck--I just had to wear all black so I was trying to add color, haha. I guess it was also because I didn't fawn over or talk about boys a lot 'til I mentioned my fiancee at the time, haha. Either way, I totally did to Patrick at first what others had done to me and made a silly assumption based on a stupid stereotype--rainbows are awesome and everybody should love them.

Anyway, back to the dresser. Patrick's mom found this extra wallpaper left over from when they had made the nursery back when Patrick's older brother was born. Eventually Patrick ended up in the room and he loved that wallpaper. So Patrick's mom knew I'd lined the drawers of the dresser I'd originally designated as Wiley's until we could find a dresser specifically for him (we've had the dresser I cleared out for him since I can remember and I am personally attached to it... plus it's also serving as a night stand in our bedroom, we kinda need to keep it here). and when she found the wallpaper she gave it to me to use for the dresser she got us for Wiley.

I had just enough to get it done and make a few mistakes. One drawer is lined with liner not quite big enough, the rest are a little too big because I could never get it right despite measuring and being super careful and I didn't have any extra to make one more that would at least be slightly large instead of slightly small... but it's alright, you won't really get to see the liners all that often, anyway. Yet again, if you're looking for a tutorial on dresser liners, this is the one I went with here. Patrick's mom didn't realize I was actually sticking the liners down with mod podge, she thought I was just going to lay them in there because that's what she does with liners... but I want liners that are going to stick down and last, as well as me be able to wipe them down. I like that about using the mod podge. Also, with the previous dresser I lined, it was leaving splinters in clothes so I wanted to make sure those were sealed down and the clothes were really protected by more than just paper.

My other time lining a dresser drawer.

The color we used for the top of the dresser and the knobs is really interesting. We bought material to recover the glider Patrick's mom bought for us with and we wound up going with a baby fabric that wasn't the typical baby colors I was expecting (creams, blues or greens for a boy, although we looked at plenty). We ended up getting one where I thought the fabric was this interesting medium gray color that would go with pretty much whatever colors I wanted to throw in the nursery andwould also be different. Patrick's mom knew I wanted to match that fabric so she got the paint matched to it for me. The color is bronze something, when I first started painting the top I was freaking out because it was brown. Then on the second coat it was "Wait, it might be gray... I don't know. Maybe one more coat?" Finally I realized it is a brown, but it looks gray in certain lights (I think even in the photos it looks more gray than brown). I really love it, though.

Speaking of the glider, here's the finished glider after Patrick's mom reupholstered the pillows for us in the fabric we bought!

Part of me wants to paint it white, but I like the natural wood and think over-all it's probably best I don't. I just like making things hard for myself.

Close-up of the fabric we got.

Dresser and glider side by side!

So yeah, that's our newly finished dresser and glider! I'm super pumped! We still need to find a good lamp for the room, we're using a messed up lamp I brought from my mom's house that's sat barely used in a corner of the living room since we moved in, it's just hard to get the light to come on and stay on, it has a glitch.

We also need to get photo frames for the pictures I've drawn, hang up the bulletin board I pulled out of storage that we're going to hang up in his room and figure out how to raise the baby bed so that I can actually reach the mattress myself. We're also getting a bookshelf from Patrick's mom at some point, so I'll have more storage space and a place to set up his books. Yay.

So soon, hopefully, I'll have finished nursery pics... I'm hoping before he gets here. But if not, it's not like I don't already have a crib ready for him in our bedroom and that's the main thing he'll be sleeping in at first. I just need to get this house clean!

36 Weeks and Our Little Terrier

I'll start off again with the belly pic! 36 weeks as of yesterday! I have about a week 'til I'm at full-term and only 26 days left to go!

Actually, looking to see what I have posted yet I realize that I haven't posted a good bit of stuff I could have, oops.

We went to see one of the other doctors in the practice Friday. Apparently I'm finally at the weight to where the power chairs don't hold me very well. I was sitting in one, it was fine, they had me get up and take off my pants for a swab and when I sat back down the chair tilted down in front under me. I could still sit in it, but it was awkward and when they came in and found out they tried to fix it and it did it again under me and then the doctor said the chairs don't always work right around the 300lb mark. I'm comforting myself with the fact I haven't gained tons of weight as far as they're concerned, I didn't even start gaining 'til the third trimester and have even lost weight at points. My mom insists I look skinnier and thinks it's all the baby. Either way, it was fine. They had to give me a sheet to wrap around my waist (that didn't exactly fit right either) and I had to walk down the hall to another room. Luckily, I know I'm fat and I've come a long way, a number on the scale doesn't phase me much. I kept moaning about it to Patrick afterward, but logically I know a lot of it is baby and baby-related things (placenta, amniotic fluid, uterus, excess fluid, etc).

So the doctor ended up checking to see if I was dilated at all since they were treating it like my 36 week visit instead of my 35 week (I was 35.5 days), she said I wasn't. She also mentioned that Wiley is still high up and has yet to drop, that she couldn't even feel his head. 

None of that surprised me, as far as I know I have yet to have braxton hicks and I doubted he had dropped yet. Honestly, I feel like he won't come out for at least another week or two. Even though they consider me almost full-term (37 weeks), my original due date that lined up with the dates I gave them was September 8, not September 1... so I really am more like 35 weeks and definitely want him to stay in there 'til I'm at least 38 weeks by their figuring. Of course, if he came early I know it wouldn't be the end of the world and he's at least far along enough to make it with possibly a little help, so it'll be fine no matter what.

We went swimming with a friend yesterday and let Lupe and her dog play together, which was great. Her brother and his family were there with their dog, also... so Lupe got to play with/bully him some, too (this dog is 3 times Lupe's size and she scared the crap out of him snapping at him when he was too in her face when they were first meeting. I was so embarrassed). Now I need to bathe (we got home late and I was too exhausted) and I'm still too tired, too lazy... it's so hard now being so pregnant. I like baths, but with a hurt wrist and extra weight and a big old belly it's hard to stand back up once I'm down. I manage fine, but it hurts my wrist every time. I'm also just too lazy to stand in a shower, but I do it anyway because I hate being dirty.

I hurt my wrist more yesterday. I tripped over one of Abel's toys, fell into the baby gate we use to keep Lupe out of the bedroom while we're not home (she gets in Abel's litter box which is in our bedroom) and I caught my toe on it and lost my balance and fell into a wall and hurt my already hurt wrist more. I am not happy.

Here are some cute photos of Lupe from her time out to end with, though. I have cute pics of Abel, too... from various things... but these are just exceptionally good of Lupe.

Ugh!

I've been working on painting the dresser and I just screwed up because I got impatient and accidentally ended up peeling a big chunk of paint off one of the sides of the dresser.

I am so sad.

I'm sure it can be fixed. I doubt it'll look as smooth, but I have more paint.

Just ugh.

I'm ready to paint the top, I'm really excited for the gray we chose.

Personality

I'm interested to see how Wiley's personality turns out, I'm really looking forward to it.

When I was a baby I was very happy, apparently every time I tried to cry I'd start laughing (I don't know how true that is--there is a video of me where I start to cry and then clearly blank out, though). Patrick was apparently also a great baby. I've seen way more photos of him crying than me, though (just saying). It's funny because his mom insists that I lucked out by having a boy in that girls are too emotional. Another friend said how a little girl would probably be just like me and it would drive me crazy. I don't think either of those are true even if people say it is. I mean, yes, little girls can be emotional, but I've also seen little boys be that way. It depends on the child and their environment more than anything. I did become whiney as I got older, apparently--but I was never very dramatic as a child (definitely not more-so than other children, boy and girl). I could fall and hurt myself and I'd get right back up and move on. As I got older I threw temper tantrums in Picadilly Cafeteria every Sunday after church (my aunt and uncle would take me and the rest of the family), but that was just me being a kid (I only remember it one time, I threw a fit because I wanted pudding and jello--but my family had a joke about it, I would do it so often).

I am a lot like my mom, but I think more of that is how I was raised since I only had my mother and no father to look up to. Compared to my mother, though, I think I'm generally relatively calm, more logical (or rather, I think logically more often before reacting) and quicker to forgive as well as apologize to keep the peace. Do I share a lot in common with her? Yes, but not near as much as my brother. My mom is also super much like my grandfather whereas my uncle is more like my grandmother...

But because all my family and Patrick's mom have gone on about how great of babies we both were I'm interested to see if Wiley is also a great baby or if he's going to be a little hellion. I suspect he'll be good, but no matter what I'm sure I'll think he's good because he's my precious baby boy.

I hope he has Patrick's calmness a little more than my quick-temper. I want him to have Patrick's optimism, too... but with a healthy dose of reality-check. I want him to be smart, for sure... but other than that I want him to be whatever he wants to be. I wonder if me being an artist and Patrick being a musician will inspire him or if he'll think he'll never be as good so he finds something else to be good at (or if he's good at both).

I guess I was thinking all this because of the dresser we got for him, how we're lining it with something sentimental to Patrick. We both have some of our favorite old books to give him. I still have many old toys (some he'll get, some he won't). I have my old suitcase I took to my aunt and uncle's every Sunday when I went with them to church then spent the day with them and that's going to be Wiley's now, of course.

Anyway, we'll see. Lupe is trying to attack the cat (she's playing but he's just interested in food and is probably going to smack the crap out of her in a second) so I'm going to separate them.