And I feel guilty that I'm so miserable and terrified and instead of being happy I'm going to get to see my baby boy I just started crying as soon as I got off the phone.
And I don't feel like I can talk to anybody, and with Patrick he doesn't keep the conversation going or it goes in circles at best. I can't get all my feelings out.
We haven't told most of our friends yet, I've just mentioned it to two of them and my mom... because one friend is going to come a few weeks after his birth to visit.
My mom is trying to be positive because she knows I'm upset. She had two c-sections and was fine, but she at least got to go into labor. She at least honestly believed she needed one (ok, she did need one with my brother, I don't know about me). I'm not convinced, we started to delay scheduling one 'til next week because the doctor would have let us, but then I felt like if it's less than a weeks difference between this Friday and next Tuesday I might as well do it a bit sooner because September 1 is the cut-off for being able to put your child in school or forced to hold them back an extra year. Of course, Friday got moved up to Thursday so we debated more... But then I found out Patrick is off work Monday at at least one of his jobs, anyway... so he'd get an extra day with me and the baby before having to go back to work. If we did the surgery Tuesday then he'd have had the day off and then still miss three days and have one less day with us... So the earlier day won out, even though we wanted to wait 'til I went into labor. I felt like the llikelyhood of me going into labor between Thursday and Tuesday wasn't that great, I guess I could be wrong... I don't know.
I'm just really disheartened, really scared, really depressed. I feel violated. My doctor didn't force me, but I feel pushed... I feel like I'm not going to get what I think is best so I'm trying to make the best of what I can have, which isn't all that comforting.
I want to be happy about seeing my baby boy, but instead I'm just terrified. I had to hold back tears while scheduling the surgery over the phone. As soon as we hung up I just started crying. I don't want to be this sad about what should be something happy. I want to be excited... but I just feel dread.
And I think it's so sad, I'm terrified of a surgery... but I'm one of the few women I know who seemed to have no fear of natural birth, of unmedicated birth... Of the pain. I'm not scared of the pain, I'm scared of dying. I trust my body to do what it's supposed to do. I'm not saying I wouldn't get scared once contractions started coming at all, but nothing like I know I am and will be for this. I'm somebody who has hardly any fear of delivering naturally and I'm not going to get to and I am miserable and more frightened than a baby bunny right now. Surgery is one of my biggest fears, I've been having nightmares recently and I know they're all connected to the fear I had of c-section. In them I was being attacked and couldn't defend myself and got no help. I wasn't in control. All the same feelings as my feelings on having a c-section.
I'm hoping I can calm down some, but I'm not counting on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment