Anxiety

There's nothing really new to report here, I'm afraid. Still pregnant, still waiting for Wiley to make his grand appearance.

I am so anxious, I have trouble sleeping at night and I don't know if it's just a normal part of being pregnant or the anxiety I have about the fact that my baby still isn't coming and as far as I can tell isn't going to come any time soon (and by soon I mean in the next few days, while I recognize he could come in the next week, I feel like it will be a week or more if he's to come on his own).

My anxiety isn't even over the delivery, at least not the way I think most pregnant women would have anxiety. I'm not scared of the delivery, or not very much, if I get to have him un-medicated like I'm hoping for. I mean, it's going to hurt, but women have done this since the dawn of time, I'll be fine... and if for some reason I can't deliver him vaginally I trust my doctor to do a wonderful job at the c-section I'd need to have.

I'm much more anxious because I want so badly to have a vaginal birth but I feel like my chance to do that is slipping by while Wiley just continues to sit comfy cozy in me. I think he has begun to drop, but I don't think he's dropped completely. I want so badly for Wiley to come when he's ready, not when it's convenient for me or my doctor or anybody else... but I also feel like if I wait in the hopes of going into labor on my own I may still end up not meeting some deadline that I fear my doctor will put me on after I hit 40 weeks and a c-section will be inevitable. And truthfully, I can understand her concern...  while I'm willing and hoping I'll be allowed to go past 40 weeks, even up to 41, if the ultrasound measurements are correct and he was 9.10lbs on Monday then by this coming Monday he could be just over 10lbs and so by the time I'd reach 41 weeks we'd be looking at a baby that is possibly 11lbs at birth and I imagine that even sectioning a baby that big isn't the ideal.

So Patrick and I have switched from being about ready to give in and schedule the section for next week to  thinking we should hold off a little longer.

And I'm torn because every day I don't feel like he's noticeably dropped, don't feel the pressure in my pelvis that women talk about when they go through the lightening, I'm still comfortable walking around for the most part and have any of those other signs of labor in the next few days I get disheartened. And then I get anxious because I don't want to make the wrong choice. I don't want to wait on the c-section only to have him not come before I have to do one, anyway, especially when I could have him in my arms this time next week. I want him to be a September baby so most of me is fine waiting 'til September 3, even... but then I also know that September 1 is the cut-off for being able to enroll your child in school at a certain age, so he'd be forced to be held back a year and I want that to be my choice, not the government's... which makes August 30 look pretty enticing. Mostly I want him to come when he's ready, as soon as that may be, so I know he's fully developed and ready to be in the world... So when he still doesn't come and I have to weigh the pros and cons of everything, worry about deciding to have a major surgery that maybe if I waited a few days I could avoid. To top it off, my wrists are still hurt beyond just carpal tunnel, Patrick will have to go back to work within three days of the birth and while I have friends and family willing to help it's nerve wracking to think that not only will I have a large baby to lift (lifting my 16lb dog and 17lb cat is already painful for me, though I'm hoping they just flail more than he does) but I'll have an incision to worry about and I'll be sore and in pain. I want to breastfeed so bad (one of the reasons I'm so dead-set on a vaginal birth is so that I can breastfeed him immediately after birth and not have to wait for them to sew me up and my milk to come in) and I worry that between both those issues I'll struggle and eventually have to give up well before I intend to.

...So then I get angry at him, and I feel like I'm starting out as the worst parent in the world because I'm already angry at my unborn baby. Patrick tried to comfort me with the fact one of his daddy books says at this point it's normal for the mom to feel frustrated, but I feel like I'm beyond frustrated because it's directed specifically at the baby for measuring so big and yet still not being ready to come a little bit early for us. That I'm trying to be considerate of him and make the best choices for him and willing to attempt an un-medicated vaginal delivery (despite the fact that he's so big) in the hopes that I won't have to have a c-section and he'll get all the benefits of a vaginal birth and have the best start in life and he's not helping me at all. I don't care how heavy it is for me to carry him, but my anxiety over feeling like I'm sitting on a ticking time bomb is making me irritated at my own sweet baby. I think about how I'd love to try some of those crazy home remedies to induce labor but then I realize that if I'm going to do that I might as well just suck it up and do the c-section, which is safer for everybody... so then I think if it's making me have these thoughts that I'm not happy I'm having maybe the best choice is to have the c-section at the end of next week so I don't have to worry anymore and my anxiety over not knowing what to do will go away.

So I guess Monday when we go to the doctor I'm going to see if she thinks he's dropped into my pelvis yet and if I'm a good bit more dilated than the 1cm I was I may try to hold out... if I don't seem to have any progress I might not. Either way I may admit my feelings of annoyance/anger to her and see what she thinks I should do and when she thinks is the absolute latest we can wait to try for a c-section. I'm not trying to be stubborn or prove how tough I am by not inducing and trying to vaginally deliver a possibly large baby, I just really have wanted this whole time to give my son the best possible start in life I could and from all my research that seems like the best way, and even if he is large it's not a guarantee that I won't be able to do it...but he's getting to that point that even I'm starting to doubt my decisions.

In other news, Lupe had her annual vet visit... she did not appreciate it, but she's healthy and happy and everything looks good. She has to go back in three weeks for a booster to a new shot they've just started giving (Lepro) and Abel will need to go in about that time, anyway... so I'm going to take him in for his annual and take Lupe to get the booster at the same time. We'll see how that works, especially with Wiley in tow.