At my grandmother's funeral the other day my uncle got up and talked about Rita's life. At one point he mentioned how he believed God had "lifted the veil" at the end when Rita looked over (at nothing as far as they were aware) and said "My boys."

My grandmother lost two of her three sons, my father (the middle son) in 1986 to cancer while my mother was 6 months pregnant with me. My youngest uncle passed in the 90s when he was in an auto accident.

Even though I'm a Christian, death still scares me a lot (since it's been a reality in my life since I was born I grew up knowing and fearing it because it meant people couldn't be with you anymore). Still, I handle the death of others better than lots... But while I believe in an afterlife, I think I try to not think too much about it because it causes me fear.

But then I can't help but think back to when my best friend was murdered, her sister told how she was jealous because my friend got to be with their mother who had passed... And thinking about what my uncle said, I wonder (and hope) that maybe Court's mother was there to welcome her home when Court passed on. I know Court would have loved that, she loved and missed her mom so much.

And then, who will be there when I pass?

I've dreamed my whole life of meeting my father, so I assume he'll be one of the ones welcoming me... But who else? My grandfather? Will all my passed relatives be there or just a few? Court? I hope so, I can't wait 'til I can see her again, I miss her so much. I can just imagine her big ol' grin when she sees me coming, I can almost hear her saying "It's about time, geeze!"

It breaks my heart Wiley will never know my father, his grandfather... almost more than it bothers me I didn't have a father growing up. It breaks my heart Wiley will never know my best friend, Court. I used to think about what I'd tell any future children, I have photos of her up... I guess at some point Wiley will ask. What do I tell him? Obviously not the whole story, at least not right off the bat... it would be too scary. He'll learn it in time, I hope, because it's definitely shaped who I am. But he will know that she was one of my best friends who I loved very much, that she was somebody I consider a soul-mate and that she is missed dearly. She should have been there with me to support me through my pregnancy. I still remember Court saying how she saw me having a loving husband, kids and a house with a picket fence. I don't know about the fence, but she's definitely been right on two counts, I just wish she could have been here with me to celebrate all these things.